Tana Toraja (Or, "The Time I Almost Gave Up Burgers Forever")

I've seen a few bloody things in my life--the Hong Kong horror flick Dream House (If at first the landlord won't give you a good deal, try killing 11 of your prospective neighbors.) and a bull getting castrated (worst school field trip ever)--but watching water buffalo bleed out takes the cake.

Tana Toraja, a region in Sulawesi, Indonesia, is known its colorful culture that has remained more or less intact for centuries. The traditional boat-shaped houses on stilts, varied burial sites (Coffins were everywhere: in caves, hanging off cliffs, and inside hollowed-out trees.), and rice terraces are certainly incentives to make the journey, but the real reason to come is to attend a funeral.

                                                   *Tongkonan, Traditional Torajan Houses

It's the most important ceremony in Toraja, even more significant than weddings (which is saying alot because we got stuck in a 30-minute traffic jam in the middle of nowhere one day because a wedding was being held). Funerals last days, up to 10 if the deceased was wealthy, and are pricey affairs, with the most expensive costing up to US$100K. Temporary huts are built to accommodate the hundreds of people who attend--family, friends, neighbors, acquaintances, political figures, and, oh hey, tourists.

It sounds intrusive to show up to a stranger's funeral, but they welcome everyone, especially those that come bearing cigarettes. When we showed up, our guide, Immanuel,* led us to the entrance of the crowded courtyard. There were too many people standing out front to see inside, but they were clearly watching something.

"Oh no," he said. "They already started," Immanuel said, pushing past the throng.

"Oh, that's OK," we assured him.

"No, no," he said insistently. We got to the front. "We missed the buffalo sacrificing."

We stood silently for a moment and took it all in. Nine water buffalo were splayed out on the ground, pools of blood still forming around the 45 degree angles cut into their throats.

One was still standing, its hindquarters facing me, and I thought it had yet to be slaughtered. Oh, Lord. I don't want to watch them hack into this one. Then it grunted and thudded to the ground, where the machete chop already made to its neck became evident. It looked kind of like a tree, the way it fell, knees locked, body stiff. I fully expected someone to yell, "Timber!"

After a moment, Immanuel guided us through the carcasses to one of the temporary houses. "OK. Sit down," he pointed to a blue tarp laid over the floor.

A woman in her 30s dressed in all black came over with a tray loaded with coffee, rice cakes, and biscuits, and set it on the tarp.

"This is the daughter of the dead man," explained our guide. She smiled and nodded.

Josh and I looked at each other. Umm, the mourning daughter is serving US refreshments?

"So, these people, "Josh gestured to a few old women and a middle-aged man in a Malay hat, "are the family?"

"Oh well yes. You are guests of honor, so you sit in the house for the dead people with their family," he stated matter-of-factly.

"The dead people?"

"Up." He pointed directly over our heads. The temporary house we were in was on stilts and, sure enough, when we looked up through the wide slats of the quickly-constructed floor, there were two coffins covered in red cloth. "One an old man. The other one only 28 years old."

Immanuel went on to explain that, before the temporary house is built, the bodies of the dead are kept in the family's homes for a period of time while preparations are made for the funeral. The old man had been dead for three years and the younger man for one. Just hanging out in their family's house, dead.

"Here, eat. Local Torajan snacks," the guide insisted.

I analyzed my situation. Underneath a couple of dead bodies. Surrounded by dead buffalo. Sitting on a tarp covered in hunks of brown stuff that I'm really hoping is just dirt. Surprisingly still super hungry. I shrugged and grabbed a rice cake. "Thanks!"

I turned to look at the buffalo. One was still twitching. A few kids had gathered by another. They were making a mud castle. Like a sand castle, except with blood-soaked dirt.

As the afternoon passed, every kid in the place swarmed the buffaloes, flinging each other with blood mud, climbing over the carcasses, and kicking the hindquarters to make any remaining feces ooze out.

I kept snacking.

                                                              *Checking out a carcass

After the buffalo stopped bleeding, a bunch of young guys came out with knives and started skinning them, dragging the bloody hides out of the courtyard.

I kept snacking.

The guys came back with long machetes and started hacking the skinned buffalo into chunks of meat. One of them came over with a piece and flung it over the railing onto our tarp.

I jumped. One of the old ladies grabbed it and pulled it close to her bag. With her bare hands.



"The buffalo meat is distributed. Every family here gets some," Immanuel explained.

Slowly, as the men kept hacking, the courtyard went from smelling like a livestock yard to a meat market.

I stopped snacking.

While the reality of throwing around raw buffalo chunks was kind of gross, the concept is cool. According to Immanuel, Torajans are wealthier than other Sulawesis, and it's largely due to the buffalo sacrificing ritual. Buffaloes are wildly expensive. One costs about the price of a car. But everyone who attends a funeral, even strangers, gets some meat, which they can either eat or sell at the market for a good price. The wealthier a family is, the more buffaloes they're expected to sacrifice. In a way, it's showing off. The family hangs the horns of the buffaloes they've slaughtered on their house to show how wealthy they are. But it's also a way of redistributing wealth, even to villagers the family doesn't know.

Fortunately, by this point we had been at the funeral for three hours, and Immanuel thought it was time to make our way out. Unfortunately, "make our way out" meant stop to explain a few more things and take a zillion photos, all in a courtyard that had gotten a lot bloodier over the course of three hours. Finally, we were back at the entrance.

"Are you sure you're ready to leave?" Immanuel double-checked.

My exposed, be-Chacoed feet were two inches away from a skinned bull's head. "Yes. Yes, we are."

He held up a heavy-looking plastic bag. My stomach did a flip. "They gave us some buffalo meat. You are so lucky! We stop at a restaurant and cook it."

Believe it or not, I did eat some. And it was delicious. And then I offered the rest to an unsuspecting Brazilian tourist when Immanuel wasn't looking.



*It's not required, but almost everyone hires a local guide to attend a funeral. People don't speak much English, so it was nice to have an interpreter and someone to explain what was happening. Plus, the funeral was in a tiny village far from Rantepao, the main town, and would have been difficult to find. If you're ever lucky enough to find yourself in Toraja, you should use our guide, Immanuel. I gave his card to a fellow traveler, but you can get in touch with him at Riana Homestay. He was super friendly and quoted us one of the cheapest prices of the guides we met.

Island Hopping, Part 2: Apo

Our time in the sunny Philippines is over--already! The three weeks we had wasn't even close to enough time to see all these islands had to offer, but I must admit, I was almost ready to move on. The landscapes were varied and beautiful and the locals friendly, but I was exasperated by what I started calling the White Person Tax. Many locals are under the impression that because you are traveling, you have sufficient funds to pay more than the regular price for things. It wasn't a scam--they were very upfront about it. "Yes, the local price is 25 pesos," one tricycle rider told me when I was arguing over a price for a ride. "But you are a foreigner, so it is 75." And that was that.

My favorite place in the Philippines was Apo Island in the Visayas. Most people pass it over in favor of the more developed Palawan or Boracay, but those people are dumb. There's no running water on the island (Stay with me.) or electricity (Going unplugged is good for you.) or motorized vehicles of any kind (Who needs 'em when you've got a push cart?), and it's all part of the charm.

                                           *The only mode of transportation on the island.

This tiny, 72-hectare island is straight out of a book. There were generator-powered lights on the island from 6:30-9:30 pm, during which time everyone would hang out at the one karaoke bar or crowd around the few TVs in the village (even if that meant standing outside the neighbor's window like a creeper). After that, it was straight to bed so you could tolerate getting up around 4 or 5 with the multitudes of roosters strutting around the island.

Apo is a protected area for sea life, and the sanctuary there is 100% community run, meaning that defending the island from other fishers, etc., is up to the locals. Interestingly, up until 30 years ago, the islanders primarily made money from dynamite fishing. Then a local professor realized that, if the coral and tropical fish that called Apo home were allowed to flourish, the islanders would have a great source of revenue on their hands. He convinced them to make Apo a protected area, and today, tourism brings in more money than fishing ever did.

Because of the sanctuary, Apo is a mecca for divers and snorkelers. In fact, I wasn't a diver when I arrived on Apo, but I was by the time I left.

If you had told me three weeks ago that I would get my diving certification, I would have snorted unattractively at you. I can't snorkel for more than five minutes without getting a nose-full of sea water. But everyone raving about the coral convinced me to do an "introduction to diving" dive. Me being me, I prepared beforehand, reading the manual thoroughly and taking each self-assessment quiz. But, of course, book learning is quite different from real-live experience.

You control where you want to be in the water with your Buoyancy Control Device (BCD), which is a vest you can inflate and deflate with air to go up or down, and basically my learning period with it went like this.

Why isn't this thing deflating? Wait, it is. Whoa, it really is. Inflate! Inflate! Crap, I'm going to crash into the reef, just like the manual said not to because that destroys delicate aquatic life. I hate destroying delicate aquatic life! It goes against everything I believe in! Aaaaaand . . . I'm prostrate on the reef. Oh sure, BCD, now you inflate. I would make a horrible mermaid. That's fine actually. If Ariel is any indication, they are all dipshits. Bleck, this air is making my mouth dry. OK, relax. Look around. That's the point of this ridiculous exercise. OMG! I FOUND NEMO!!!*

From then on, I didn't think about my BCD or the air or the fact that I really had to pee (OK, I thought about that a little bit.). The fish and coral were mind-bogglingly beautiful. There's no way I could describe them, but let's just say I also saw Bloat and Crush and a lot of electric blue starfish.

Our divemaster, Mario Pascobello of Mario's Scuba Diving and Homestay, really added to the experience. He was thorough (He made me practice taking my mask off and putting it back on underwater five times, which is how many times it took for me to quit snorting water up my nose.) but also pretty chill. He was, and continues to be, a key player in making the reef a protected area, and was the captain of the barangay for ten years, so he was an all-around cool person to get to know.

                                                                        *Mario's selfie

This week, we're rocking Singapore and Kuala Lumpur, Asia's most glamorous cities with delicious food (I have a food belly already). Then it's off to Indonesia, where more diving awaits us.


*Apparently, all my previous experience with underwater life has been through Disney movies. I even caught myself humming "Under the Sea" into my regulator.

Island Hopping, Part 1: Siquijor

Yesterday was an R&R day. We've been going pretty hard for two weeks now, trekking and caving and jolting around on top of jeepneys. When even your armpits are sore, it's time to take a break. We're currently in Sagada, an idyllic mountain town up in North Luzon, Philippines. With rice terraces, alpine forests, and chilled-out locals, there isn't a better place for an easy day.

                                                     *The view is always better up top!

So, yesterday afternoon, we're lounging in our room at the Sagada Homestay. With pine wood flooring and walls and breath-taking views, it's the nicest place we've stayed in so far. The breeze is gently blowing the curtains back from the open windows, letting in a few sun beams. I glance over at Josh, who looks contemplative.

"What are you thinking about?"

"The Zodiac killer."

"What?"

"I was just reading some TV reviews on The Daily Beast, and there's a new one about serial killers that looks cool. You know they never caught the Zodiac guy?"

I was thinking about the great trip we've been having so far, but to each his own.

We kicked off in Dumaguete, the capital of Negros Oriental. It was a great place to start because you have all the conveniences of a city but can catch ferries to a variety of small islands. The first one we hit was Siquijor. There are some beautiful falls, and the white-sand beaches are gorgeous and almost tourist-free, but rather small. The real thing to do there is see a witch doctor.

Yeah, a witch doctor.

Stupid Lonely Planet acted like it wasn't really worth the effort to see one. Were they ever wrong. It is a bit of a drive--we rented a motorbike and drove up through the mountains to San Antonio, a village about an hour and a half away from the main town. Luckily, once we were in the area, we got flagged down by some guys harvesting coconuts who wanted to offer us some fresh juice. While slurping it right out of the coconut shell, I asked about seeing a healer.

"Annie Ponce," said the oldest guy. "She is the best. Just drive up there and ask--everyone knows her."

Annie lived in a nipa hut with her family, with a little room added on for her to see patients. From the moment we walked in, it was obvious that the practices of this "witch doctor" weren't about sorcery. Instead, they were a funky mix of older, traditional healing and Catholicism, the country's popular religion. Hanging on one of the walls was her assortment of handmade cross necklaces, which she explained could protect from illness, evil spirits, and "people who don't like you." There was also a statue of a saint I didn't recognize, and a small bowl with a handle in the shape of the Virgin Mary.

Annie started our session by asking what she could do for me.

"Uhh," I hesitated. I was doing it out of curiousity, but I'm pretty sure you can't just tell someone who considers herself a doctor that she's a tourist attraction. "I umm, just heard that this was an interesting thing to do."

She looked at me skeptically.

Great. That was probably insulting.

"She has allergies," Josh interjected helpfully.

"Ahh. OK, no problem,"Annie said.

She had me sit in a chair and made a charcoal fire underneath it, which, I must admit, was a bit terrifying. Then she wrapped me in a sheet from the neck down and basically smoked me out. While the smoke was getting thicker and my seat frighteningly warmer, she started crossing me over my head and the back of my neck and chanting prayers. Then she mixed a concoction of coconut oil and herbs in the bowl with the Virgin Mary handle and massaged it into my face, neck, and back, followed up by some more crossing and prayers.

"OK." She removed the sheet and the escaping smoke billowed up to the ceiling. "Don't take a shower today. Also, don't eat chicken, fish, or shrimps anymore."

I nodded obediently. (I definitely broke all those rules within like six hours.)

"How do you feel?" She looked at me expectantly.

Uhh, oily? "Relaxed!"

She nodded resignedly and looked at the unidentifiable saint.

Crap. Another insulting answer.

She said payment was donation only. I paid a lot. It must have been enough for her to overlook my ignorant insults because she sent me home with a coconut oil potion, good for "skin infections, insect bites, and stomachaches."

I have to admit, since my visit with Annie, I've reduced my Zyrtec pills by half. Of course, that could be because I no longer live in my moldy Taiwanese apartment . . .

Byebye Taiwan. Hello SE Asia!

I worked in residence life during college, and once I proudly went on about my wonderful organizational skills in front of my boss. He laughed/snorted and said, "No, Mel, I'm pretty sure that's called being anal retentive." He sugar-coated a lot of things--probably a coping mechanism for living in the same building as 186 college kids--but when it came to my neurosis, he called it like he saw it.

In college classes, this probably worked in my favor. I never lost assignments or forgot exams, and my notes were essentially transcripts with doodles in the margins. But this behavior predated college by about 18 years. As a child, I kept my book series in numerical order and used a ruler to underline things in textbooks (to avoid squiggly lines of course). One Christmas, my gifts were "organization themed." I got an electronic organizer, Mary Engelbreit Post-its, and a markerboard. This might sound like lackluster parenting, but I was delighted by these presents. ("This organizer comes with a stylus?! SCORE!")

There are some upsides to trying to keep life mess-free. I rarely do things I will regret, like drunk text or paint my nails neon orange. And I've never gotten an overdraft fee or choked on poorly-chewed food.

But the downsides suck. I approach everything in life with the same attitude I have about gynecology appointments: "Let's get this over with so I can check it off my list." This has led to me missing out on some key rites of passage, like streaking or dating a bad boy. OK, I don't mind skipping the bad boy drama, but do wish I had run across the soccer field topless with my friends in college that one time. It was only streaking in the strictest sense of the word (It was the middle of the night and no one saw them except each other.), but I opted to sit in the running car and keep a look out for campus security.

It's not that I want to radically change who I am. Structure keeps humanity from imploding. Deadlines keep the world moving forward. Aspirations give people something to work towards.

I just want to stop getting nicknamed "Mom."

I have lightened up over the past few years. Living with another person has required it. Once Josh and I started splitting laundry duty, my once colored-coded underwear drawer turned into a mosh pit of mis-matched socks, men's T-shirts, and other miscellanous items such as plastic bags and ripped mittens, all bouncing out like a bunch of Bieber-crazed teens whenever I opened the drawer.

After about a year of such household mayhem, I realized two things.
1) Spending a few minutes a week searching for matching socks or re-sorting the recycling is not worth an argument.
2) Josh spends half as much time planning his life as I do, yet the vague plans he has in his head work out about as well as the bullet-listed ones I write down on sticky notes.

Since these epiphanies, my life has gotten a lot more relaxed. It started with small steps--mixing darks and lights, leaving the house without mascara, shaving ONLY once a week during winter--and now I've moved to the big leagues: backpacking through Southeast Asia for four months.

Yes, that's right. Josh and I are leaving Taiwan on Monday to traipse through the Philippines, Singapore, Malaysia, Indonesia, Thailand, Cambodia, and Vietnam until July (or until we run out of money). We've been planning on this trip for almost a year, and I have been super excited. Until last week, when we went on a two-day trip to a friend's house. I was in the shower one morning trying to figure out which bottle was the shampoo.

This one? No. Facewash.
This one? No. Silky bodywash.
This one? All Chinese. Let's try it.

As I lathered up my hair with the mystery liquid, I thought, "Man, I can't wait to shower in my own shower again. [ Pause. ] On our trip, I won't have my own shower. Our trip is four months long. OMG. FML.*"

I don't miss sleeping in my own bed so much, but there's something about showering in other people's showers that freaks me out. That tile is caked with dirt and sweat and dead skin cells that countless strangers have scrubbed off their body, likely after peeing down the drain first, all sealed in by a thick coat of soap residue and mildew.

Also, I can't see in the shower. I'm pretty near-sighted, so to find the bottle I want, I have to either hold it a few inches from my face to read it or rely on the senses of touch, smell, or taste, which is not ideal.

Even without communal showers, this trip's potential for messiness is HIGH.

We are living out of backpacks.
We are staying with a couchsurfer for the first three days of our trip. After that, we're just rollin' into town / village / island without a plan.
The timeline we have put together ends abruptly on May 27. I typed up a timeline, but it has a lot of question marks. Like, for example, underneath "Return to U.S." Hell, we haven't even decided where we're returning to.
During the next four months, we are just going wherever the wind takes us.

WTF?!?!?!?!

I am terrified. But I'm also excited. I'm excitified.

The anal retentive me would have only felt sheer terror. So, even though I wish I could just be excited, I guess this is--albeit meager--progress.

I am excited for obvious reasons, like new cultures, top-notch snorkeling, and alcoholic concoctions in coconut shells, but I'm also excited for the personal growth this trip should bring. I have long envied the process-oriented, the ones who do for the sake of doing. They are the chalk-street artists, the sky-divers, the casual daters, the ones who do not live in a tiny drab box.

Really, it's the reason this blog is titled what it is--I am not bohemian by nature, but the idea is appealing. It always has been. My grandmother has a picture of my sister and I dressed up in my mom's old clothes when we were kids. My sister is button-cute in my mom's old Brownie dress. And I am dressed in a black sparkly top and a multi-colored tulle skirt. My grandma says I look like a gypsy. I guess part of me has always wanted to be a roamer. I just wasn't ready to embrace it until now.

Now that I think about it, I am brandishing a bejeweled wand in that picture, so I was probably going for princess. But I look like a gypsy. We'll just go with that.



*Yeah, I think in text lingo.

Out with the Old, In with the New

At work yesterday, I was browsing Inc. for reading passage ideas when I came across "6 Things Really Productive People Do." (Yes, the title really emphasizes really.) Normally, I would have scrolled right past this—it doesn’t take an expert to come up with gems like “Pick your priorities,” “Celebrate progress,” or “Lay off the Farmville.” But the tagline caught my attention. “Have you noticed that some people just seem to accomplish tons and still appear happy and relaxed?”

“Yes,” I thought. “And it makes me want to punch them in the face.”

New Year’s always brings out this sentiment in me. Even if I it was a good year, I am plagued by thoughts like:

What was I DOING all year?

I am frittering away my time. I am a fritterer.

I sleep too much. Why can’t I be like Hillary Clinton* or Leslie Knope** or those people that sleep like four hours a night and are still high-functioning machines?

Eventually, the year’s worth of self-loathing passes, and I settle into contemplating the year ahead. I’ve loved making New Year’s resolutions since I was a kid. I have a Rubbermaid container full of old journals, and each contains the resolutions I faithfully set every January 1 of my growing-up years.

When I was 9, I vowed to make that boy in Sunday School who kept putting glue in my hair fall in love with me. When I was 11, I decided to become just like Nancy Drew. In high school and college, my resolutions were run-of-the-mill and easily broken: exercise three times a week, pray before bed, eat salad for lunch. As an adult, I’ve been setting the bar quite a bit lower, like in 2011, when I resolved to try yoga one time at some point or other before the year ended.

And then there was last year, when I was hung over on New Year’s Day and felt that aspirations were worthless, as was life itself, and I would never be able to accomplish anything ever again anyway because I was never going to get out of that bed. So, I grumpily snatched my new 2012 planner off the bedside table and scribbled this on the inside of the cover: Either crap or get off the pot.*** I was stuck with that glorious ambition all year.

For the sake of my resolutions and my liver, I acted with more discretion during the wee hours of 2013. I’ve been mulling over goals since then, and I’ve decided to follow that ridiculous article’s advice after all since, so far, doing my own thing hasn’t been that successful.

I am picking new priorities.

1. End each day with gratitude. Before bed, write down (or at least think to myself before passing out) one good thing that happened. – It is a wonderful life, just like Frank Capra taught us, and it’s time to appreciate it more fully.

2. Read more. Watch TV less. – For feeling so superior about not owning a television, I watch an awful lot of TV. To start the year off right, Josh and I will be abstaining from TV and movies next week. Those seven days will feel like 40 days in the wilderness.

I am celebrating progress I’ve made.

The past year was a year of personal growth and trying new things. I . . .

. . . got a tobacco pipe, regularly went to yoga class, tried meditation, discovered the line between drinking and giving myself a hangover, and participated in like, my first real athletic competition ever (Dragon Boat racing).

. . . decided to be transparent with the people I love. With some, this means being open about my faith. With others, it means not hiding the actions that they think are wrong.

. . . acknowledged that I would probably not find the life of a “career woman” fulfilling, and what I really desire to do is write. I figured this out at a church retreat at the end of this summer. We were having a time of small group discussion, and one of the questions was, “If you could do anything and God guaranteed your success, what would you do?” and I instantly thought, “Write a book. [pause] Oh. So I do know what I want to do with my life.” And then everyone else in my group gave spiritual answers. Fail.

. . . realized that I want to adopt a child, maybe even a few. I also want to garden, bake, refinish secondhand furniture, and other housewifey things.

I am laying off the Farmville.

I’ve never actually played Farmville, but the same principle applies to Gilmore Girls. I’ve seen every season four times. And I’m most likely underestimating with that number.

Wishing you and yours a bright, happy, really productive 2013.




*Obviously excluding this blood clot episode
**Yes, I know she’s a fictional character. That doesn’t make her high energy levels any less inspiring/distressing.
***It’s supposed to be metaphorical, you juvenile dolt.

Genuine Thanksgiving

This past Thanksgiving weekend, I didn’t eat any turkey or yams, and I only had half of a piece of pumpkin pie, but I realized I have much to be thankful for. The funny thing is, I think this is the first Thanksgiving that I didn’t try to force thankfulness. It just came.

A common American Thanksgiving tradition is to go around the table and name a few things you’re thankful for. The social media craze seems to have taken this to a whole other level–listing something you’re thankful for every day of November. Usually, people give glossy, pre-packaged answers: my family, my significant other, my job, my freedom of religion. Come to think of it, it could make a fun drinking game. Hear the word family, do a shot.

It’s an admirable tradition, taking a few minutes to contemplate the blessings you’ve been given, and I don’t want to denounce it. But every year, it sets me on edge. I’m not good at putting on a show, of acting a certain way when I’m not feeling it. Sometimes, this is a virtue. (Saving my friend from buying an unflattering dress) Other times, it’s a fault. (Not complimenting my friend on her new baby because his face is raisin purple)

So when I’m put on the spot to fork over a serving of thankfulness, it often doesn’t happen. I just regurgitate something that will pacify the people around me. “My family, my significant other, this scrumptious-looking meal . . .” It’s not like those are lies. I am grateful for those truths. But I don’t really mean it, not in that moment.

I explained the tradition to a friend on Thursday. She thought it sounded great and wanted to do it. In our gluttony-induced comas, we kind of forgot, but I want to do it now.

This year, I’m thankful for . . .

. . . a group of friends. It takes me a long time to settle in to a place, into a group of people. I didn’t feel like Boston was home until it was time to leave. But Taiwan has been different. My friends and I may not have all the same interests or speak the same native language, but with them, I am free to be myself.

. . . Taiwanese friendliness. One of Josh and my Thanksgiving dinners was at our church. We were the only two foreigners there, and I was the only one who doesn’t speak Chinese. Yet all the festivities–the songs, the skit, the testimonies–were all translated into English. For me.

. . . parents who don’t always agree or understand, but who do always love and respect. I mean, my mother is reading Caitlin Moran right now because I mentioned it to her a few weeks ago. That is love.

. . . learning, at the behest of Josh, to ignore trivialities and pursue what makes me happy: books, writing, beer, copious amounts of coffee, and figuring out how to light my pipe by like, the third try. My underwear drawer is totally unorganized (finding a pair of matching socks is murder). My legs are getting prickly. And that is OK. I think.

I’ve pulled up a chair to many Thanksgiving tables: my mother’s, both my grandmothers’, my Boston landlord’s daughter’s, a French restaurant’s in Montreal, and a Taiwanese-Canadian couple’s. This year, it was some friends’ coffee table overloaded with seafood pasta and fried chicken. But I finally felt what Thanksgiving is really about.

The Real Taiwan

Lonely Planet: Taiwan (Yes, I am that mainstream.) says that venturing outside of Taipei gives travelers “their first taste of what many consider to be the ‘real Taiwan.’” Josh and I spent five days road tripping around Taiwan on Rodney the Motorcycle for the Double Ten holiday, and Real Taiwan is certainly cooler than . . . the fake one. (?) It was a magical place where the air smelled like jasmine and pollution didn’t blot out the sun.


Day 1 – 220 km

When I was a kid, I loved the book Misty of Chincoteague. I wanted a horse with “a patch of white on her side, shaped like the United States” desperately. But horses—nationalist symbols or not—did not want me. I was that pre-teen girl at the horse-riding birthday parties whose tame, donethisfordecadeswithoutbuckinganyone mare would get distracted by some tasty morsel of grass, fall behind the group, then get spooked by my cries for help and gallop away, only to be rounded up by a not-handsome-at-all cowboy.

After spending seven straight hours on the motorcycle, I think those horses were doing me a favor. They could smell the weakness in me when it comes to chapped tushie. We wanted to get as far away from the sprawling capital in one day as possible, so we made a break for Taroko Gorge.

We passed these views along the way.

*Yilan

Taroko Gorge is the number one tourist destination in Taiwan, and it’s easy to see why. It’s basically a mini Grand Canyon except with marble walls and a river with minerals in it that make it a cloudy grey-blue.

People here have a different style of traveling—families and friends go places together, in huge groups on double-decker tour buses. That’s totally awesome until 30+ buses (For reals. We counted.) are trying to navigate the windy, two-lane road perched on the edge of cliffs through the Gorge. Normally, driving a motorcycle means you can just whip around traffic jams, but not when there are buses involved. It took us 20ish minutes to go five kilometers.

*Note: This is the widest part of the road.

Day 2 – 180 km

Back on the bike, we spent the day on Highway 9, which goes along the East Rift Valley between the East Coast Mountain Range and the Central Mountain Range. The valley makes up about 20% of Taiwan’s land mass but only 2% of its population. Basically, it’s just stretches of rice fields and fruit trees. With mountains on each side, expanses of rice fields, and wizened farmers in conical hats, it’s the Asia that people who have never been to Asia always picture.

Day 3 – 14 km

We spent Monday hiking the Walami Trail, some of the best preserved jungle in Taiwan. It was here that I learned something new about Josh: he can talk to monkeys.

There were monkeys everywhere. We had staring matches with five or six different troops. They would stare at us for several minutes, their little red faces indignant through the trees. They’d yell this single syllable squawk back and forth, (probably monkey speak for “Stranger, danger!”) and then all we’d see were the trees swaying back and forth and they swung away. Seeing monkeys in the wild was definitely a highlight.

Back to Josh’s special gift. The first time we heard their danger squawk, we couldn’t quite spot them through the dense foliage. So Josh, a monkey aficionado, mimicked their squawk perfectly and, sure enough, they jumped towards us. Then they realized they were getting lured in by that creepy guy with the dark van and did an about-face, but it was still cool.

*We didn't see any of these, but I kind of wanted to.

*The ferns were as big as palm trees!

Day 4 – 220 km

On day four, it was time to set our sails for home. We took Highway 9 back along the coast.

*Water buffalo

Day 5 – 130 km

Seeing as we had passed the Tropic of Cancer (i.e. that invisible line that keeps rain clouds at bay) the day before, the last stretch wasn’t as picturesque. But it was beautiful in its own grey way.

We stopped at my favorite place in Taiwan for seafood – Daxi Fishing Port. . .

. . . and got a bowl of fried goodness, including fried seaweed. That may sound gross to the uninitiated, but I haven’t met someone yet who tried it and didn’t become addicted.

We did other cool things too, like soaking in hot springs, and met lots of great people, like our couchsurfing host's toddler, who was obsessed with "the Germans." Now, three weeks later, winter is approaching. Soon, I’ll be enduring nonstop drizzle and cleaning mold off the apartment walls. But, even when I’m drying my face with my perpetually wet towel, at least I’ll always have the Real Taiwan.

Sun Moon Lake

Riding the subway during rush hour here is akin to being one of the first customers into Best Buy on Black Friday—by the time you leave, you’re bruised, you’re battered, and your sense of personal space has been beaten and left for dead.

But swimming across a lake with 28,000 people for 2.5 hours makes taking the MRT look like child’s play.

This past weekend was Taiwan’s annual Sun Moon Lake International Swimming Carnival (the real English name), the one day a year that people are allowed to swim in the biggest lake on the island. Crystal clear and surrounded by mountains, it’s no wonder people jump at the chance to get in (pun intended). In fact, it’s the world’s largest open water swim.

People have been doing this 3.3 km swim since 1983, and there’s always a big turn-out. At first, I thought this was odd because many Taiwanese people can’t swim. I’m not sure why, seeing as the nation is, ya know, surrounded by water. But the sport’s just not that popular.




Then I learned that there are a few safety measures for the Sun Moon Lake swim.

1. Piers with two lifeguards are stationed every 100 meters. Swimmers may stop and rest on these piers, which also have snacks like chocolate and “Friendly Biscuits” available.

- Some swimmers took this opportunity to whip out their Ziploc baggies protecting cigarettes and iPhones and take a smoke / Facebook break.

2. Every swimmer must have a floating device. And carrying it is not acceptable—it must be firmly secured to the body.

3. Swimmers must stay in the 50-meter-wide swimming lane. If one strays by even a few inches, the lifeguards will blow unceasingly on their whistles until the deviating swimmer returns to the safety of the lane.

4. Every swimmer must wear a swimming cap, which he or she may take off and wave if in need of assistance. (This serves the additional benefit of keeping gross human hair from contaminating the outdoor lake.)

5. To avoid cramps or other injuries, swimmers MUST walk the one-kilometer path to the lake to warm up for the swim.

So it’s more of the world’s safest float trip than a swimming competition.

At first, I thought the rules were overkill, but I was pretty grateful for that floatie once I had to start treading water five minutes in because there were so many people around I literally couldn’t move forward. And the warm-up was smart thinking too. Turns out, dog paddling can be taxing if you do it long enough. Thanks to the warm-up, however, the biggest injury I sustained was floatie burn – like rug burn, except under your arms.

Oh, and all that stuff you hear about Asians doing anything to avoid a tan–it’s all true. Even with the outdoorsy types, it’s true.

The Hunger Games Trilogy

Warning: Spoilers are everywhere.

THE GOOD

The Hunger Games trilogy is a relevant read for teens coming of age in an era when technology is revamping warfare. Panem is a grim picture of what the future might hold if this trend is left unchecked. The prosperous, high-tech Capitol uses little hand-to-hand combat, opting instead for long-distance weapons like muttations, genetically-engineered animals that are trained to kill, but only after a little psychological torture. They also utilize pods, defense mechanisms that can do anything from trap unsuspecting passerby in barbed nets to grind up humans like chicken. These weapons provide maximum enemy casualties without putting the home team at risk. (Sound familiar?)

The way Suzanne Collins depicts the brutal reality of war is perfect—not so gruesome that it gives kids nightmares, but heavy enough to show that taking lives in the name of war is no trivial thing. It also encourages young people to consider a question many adults shrug off: Is war ever the right answer?

THE BAD

People have criticized The Hunger Games for being too much like the Twilight series. But be honest: Twilight was less infuriating. At least Stephanie Meyer didn’t sucker readers into thinking that Bella is some brave heroine. You know she is an airhead with an unhealthy sexual orientation from the start. Katniss, on the other hand, can use a bow. She is a hunter, a rebel who sneaks past the district boundaries to keep her family fed, savvy enough to not only get herself but also a maimed Peeta out of the arena alive. She has all the makings of a revolutionary.



At the end of Catching Fire, however, it turns out she’s just a pawn that the real ringleaders have been using to rally the districts. She was left totally in the dark. After they do reveal their game plan, they ask her to be their leader, but she’s not calling any shots.

All she needs to do is stand in front of a camera and look pretty.

OK, I know she actually has to look angry and act war-like on camera. And I’m aware that she’s only chosen as the Mockingjay because of the gumption she showed in the first arena. But still, for a story about a girl who starts a revolution, neither she nor any of the other female characters are great role models. Johanna is crazier than Katniss (granted, it’s for legitimate reasons like being tortured for months), Katniss’s mother basically abandoned her children a few years before, and Coin is a power-hungry youknowwhat. What empowering women.

AND THE UGLY

Katniss Everdeen is a class-A idiot.

Instead of maximizing what leadership potential her Mockingjay position does have, she acts like a child. It seems like all she can do is scream, wallow, and (sort of) follow orders.

When opportunity literally falls in her lap via a Holo (a “glorified map” reserved for squad leaders), she does take action, leading the charge to assassinate President Snow. But this isn’t some grand display of bravery. She only wants to fulfill her own immature lust for revenge, placing others’ lives at risk in the process.

And then there’s the whole love triangle. Katniss is the stereotypical female, stringing two suitors along as she pleases because she’s too dumb to make up her mind. Peeta is sweet, but Gale is a real man. Whatever shall I do?

She’s Scarlett O’Hara minus the Southern gowns.

Katniss ultimately rejects Gale because his disregard for human life may or may not have led to Prim’s death. But later, Katniss approves of Coin’s idea to hold one more Hunger Games with the government’s children as punishment. Then she executes Coin without even asking someone else’s opinion much less giving her a fair trial. So much for the value of life.

She winds up with Peeta, but it doesn’t feel like she chooses him. It more like he’s the last one standing. She even compares him to a dandelion. Is there really no other flower to choose besides the weed that lawn enthusiasts wipe out with chemicals every spring?

Maybe that’s realistic, that experienced adults instead of a 17-year-old lead a nation to freedom. Maybe it’s sensible to settle for a man who understands you even if you’re not in love. Maybe it’s natural to go insane when you lose everything. But young people, especially girls, need a real heroine. They need someone who can set personal trouble aside to focus on the task at hand. They need someone who holds out for the best guy even if that means she’s alone. They need someone who can battle in a man’s world and win.

If I ever have a daughter, The Hunger Games trilogy is going on the list of books I’d prefer she not read, right after Snow White.

Summer Recap

It’s been six months since my last post. For the sake of my mental health, it’s time to stop the self-deprecation by either deleting this blog or updating it. So, here’s a summer recap.

MAY

- Visited the homeland

When I landed in Chicago, the heartland of America. Josh and I fell silent and took in the . . . magnitude . . . of everyone before he turned to me and said, “Is it just me or--”

“Yes,” I interrupted. “Everyone looks giant.”

Turns out, the idea that Asians are short is just a stereotype. Americans, on the other hand, are about three times bigger than is natural.

Many people asked if we plan to return to the US, and I said yes. I love Taiwan, but there’s something tiresome about always being the foreigner. As accepting as people are, as assuring as it is to save double what we did in Boston without even trying, as easy as it is to get from metropolis to mountain range to sea coast, I feel displaced. Not quite like a fish out of water – more like a cockroach in the sunlight. I can’t fully communicate with people in their native language, or talk about books or Dexter in the same way, or correctly order dry noodles instead of soup noodles.

Still, when we landed in Taiwan, I felt at home. When I sat down at my desk on my first day back at work, I realized that I could live here for the rest of my life and be perfectly content. But in the US, among friends and family and with the right job, I can be fulfilled.

Of course, being the fattest female I see on a regular basis over here could have something to do with that.

JUNE

- Competed in the Dragon Boat Festival race

My mother erupted into side-splitting laughter over this. Let’s just say, physical exertion has never been my forte. And it was intense — two-hour trainings four times a week – but developing arm muscles was thrilling. Not that I have them anymore, but it was fun while it lasted.

We finished 15th out of 84 teams in the first heat. Not too shabby.

- Celebrated Josh and I’s third wedding anniversary (!!!)

We went to Flavors, a Swedish restaurant, which is the first place we’ve dropped over US$100 on a meal since leaving Boston. But it was well worth it just to see Josh do snapas (i.e. shots and raw fish).

JULY

- Finished two textbooks and (almost) all of their accompanying materials

Summer is supposed to be a time of fun in the sun and tequila, but for me, work has been an ever-present demand. (In fact, when I reminded my head editor I’d be leaving for the States a few weeks before my departure date, I had to remind her that $1300 non-refundable flight tickets are absolute, regardless of met or unmet work deadlines.) Last week, I was under the delusion that we were done writing, editing, and proofing all the materials—student books, teacher’s guides, interactive CD-roms, quizzes, and worksheets—until my boss announced we had one thing left: test-writing. Which I’ve discovered is pretty much the worst thing about educational publishing. But all in all, it’s a satisfying job.



- Went to the Hohaiyan Rock Festival on Fulong Beach

The highlight: 320,000 people on a two-mile strip of beach jamming, with plenty of Taiwan Beer and food vendors to go along. I was so busy having fun I didn’t take pictures.

The downside: our group camped, which was cool, except we stayed up until 3:00 and half the campground was awake at 5:00, which was not cool.

- Finished the Hunger Games trilogy

More on that later. Hint: Katniss Everdeen is a class-A idiot.

AUGUST

- Enjoying my first typhoon holiday today

Other than a blown-out screen and lack of water pressure, no catastrophes here. We’re passing our rain-induced isolation by watching the Olympics and showering in the rain.

And now I’m off to watch the 1974 Chinatown and drink wine out of my coffee mug. This day keeps getting better.

Year of the Dragon

My Lunar New Year holiday started with a series of failures. The plan was to drive our motorcycle to a local friend's house to share a traditional New Year's meal with his family and spend the rest of the week checking out wild hot springs. After waking up late, over-packing, torrential rain, and a near motorcycle wipe-out, we nixed that idea. Instead, we shelled out for two high speed rail tickets and made a dash for the rays of Kenting Beach. Pay-offs are as follows.

Setting a trend – We pitched our tent on a beach rather than a campground. (Who wants to pay US$3/night for something that can be done for free?) Ours was the sole tent at first, but there was a small neighborhood staked down by the time we left.

Waking up to the sound of waves rolling over the shore, a mere 10 yards away from my feet

Overcoming my fear of falling off a bicycle – Learning to ride my bike as a child was downright terrifying. Since becoming legally able to operate a car or navigate public transportation, I’ve been on a bike fewer times that I’ve held a tarantula at the county fair. The last time I did ride a bike, I ran into a restaurant’s outdoor seating area right before swerving into a parked car. (Oh, the beauty of biking in Cambridge.) But this week, a rented bicycle was my main method of transportation—and I only hit one traffic cone.

Seeing two monkeys in the wild (!!!!!!)

Snorkeling, Taiwan style – You wear stiff booties rather than flippers so you kick in a cycling motion to propel yourself through the water, which is hardly efficient. I averaged like nine yards an hour. But the coral and tropical fish I saw in those 18 yards were exquisite.

Sticking my foot in my snorkeling bootie to feel a small inhabitant squirming in protest against my intruding toes – The owner of the snorkeling gear store noticed my frantic attempts to get my bootie off and briskly yanked it off herself, then caught the jumbo cockroach that shot out in mid-air. The roach’s fate: she pinched that sucker so hard its guts went kablooey all over her hand.

Being called lihai (translation: awesome) after literally falling over a laundry basket laughing about the cockroach-in-bootie incident – Apparently, this happens frequently and other customers don’t respond with amusement.

Fitting the risqué American girl stereotype for the first time ever, on two occasions – 1) Seeing as we were camping, I washed off using a public beach shower. Even though I’m assuming this shower was intended for use, the American girl lathering up in her swimsuit scandalized everyone. 2) One of the food vendors sold penis-shaped cookies. How could I resist?

The week’s grand finale: The Lantern Festival in Pingxi – The Lantern Festival is a time to celebrate the new year by writing your wishes on a giant lantern and flying it off to the heavens. My wishes:
$ for me!!!!!! (I was informed it’s basically mandatory to wish for this.)
Peace for my family
Carpe diem!

Happy year of the dragon!

A Taiwan Christmas

Josh and I didn’t make it to the States for Christmas. The realities of airfare cost and a work deadline for me deterred us from that Christmas miracle. But even though the holiday was different from traditional family Yules of old, it was bright and merry all the same.

*Our Christmas tree, giving Charlie Brown’s a run for its money

We haven’t cooked much in our 6 x 4 kitchen, seeing as it doesn’t hold much more than its single burner and a water boiler. But we were set on having blueberry pancakes for Christmas breakfast. Locals don’t seem too keen on baking, so to obtain ingredients, we dropped by one of the city’s international grocery stores—C!ty Super. They stock everything from spicy Mexican salsa to Swiss cheese that's actually from Switzerland. And two days before the big day. . .well, as Josh put it, “Got foreigners?” Despite the crowds, we found everything on our list, but baking powder is pretty hard to describe when the only related word you know in Chinese is bake and the only English word the staff knows is cake. Three different employees had to powwow before determining what it was we needed. But that’s the beauty of the Taiwanese—they don’t give up until they’ve helped you.

Christmas Eve’s main events were 1) taking ol’ Rodney (our motorcycle) out for a spin and screaming Merry Christmas! at every passerby and 2) attending the Holy Family Catholic Church for midnight mass (or rather, the English service held at 10). It was the first English church service I’ve attended since moving here, so I was excited to be able to fully participate. It was pretty great until I passed out during the homily.

*People buzzing outside the church - including a female SANTA!

Sunday morning we put that baking powder to delicious use and exchanged gifts. I supported Josh’s beer snobbery with a few imported brews while he fed my Tina Fey obsession with a 30 Rock mug displaying a quote from the show.

Liz: Why are you in a tux?
Jack: It’s after 6pm. What am I, a farmer?

While dinner was far from my mom’s traditional Christmas fare of ham and yams, it was delish. We tried a new restaurant called Nonzero Kitchen, which is reputed for its simple healthy cooking. We splurged on a set meal apiece—nutty bread with olive oil, salad dressed in the restaurant's own balsamic vinegar, creamy nutmeg soup, risotto topped with scallops, and a fruit and cake tray for dessert. The style was modish too—multi-colored wood paneling, mismatched wooden tables and chairs, and a middle-aged hipster sporting a red head scarf wandering around.

*Dessert platter

But perhaps best of all, the shoes I recently purchased for an animal print-themed birthday party doubled as festive Christmas flats. Not gonna lie, they pretty much made my outfit.

8 Things I Hate About You

Dedicated to Taiwan, my super cool country-of-residence

I hate the way you drizzle all day
And the way it ruins my boots
I hate the way you have hordes of ants
And how they eat my fruits

I hate your big dumb mosquitoes
And the way they chomp on my flesh
I hate your jungles for causing me to sniffle
And making my allergies a mess

I hate the way your climate is humid
And how that makes my house dusty
I hate it when you make my clothes mold
Even worse when you turn my pots rusty

I hate that your sky is usually hazy
And the fact your locals consider me tall
But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you
Not even close. . .
Not even a little bit. . .
Not even at all

PS - My clothes really are molding though.

I hate going to the doctor. This isn’t an original aversion, I know, but it developed when I was a kid. I was sick with the flu, and my mom asked me if I wanted to go to the doctor. This freedom of decision had never been granted me before, so it warranted the following thoughtful reasoning: change out of my Beauty & the Beast jammies to drive 20 minutes to the pediatrician’s office to sit in the waiting room for 30 minutes to have the doctor with cold hands reeking of sterilization jab me in the stomach and poke coarse wooden sticks down my throat to determine that yes, I did have the flu so I should drive back home to take Tylenol out of Mom’s medicine cabinet.

No sugar-free sucker is worth that.

Since then, I’ve been to the doctor a handful of times. In Boston, a doctor with no ethical qualms about calling in prescriptions for his friends lived in my building, so I only had to schlep myself up the stairs to receive medical attention.

But then we moved here, and my body decided it’s too wussy to adjust to Taiwan’s autumn without an illness. I tried tricking it into feeling better by still going to work, but my manager sent me home because I “wasn’t in my right mind.” Here, however, there is no hassle-free prescription connection. There is no mother to enforce a doctor’s visit. Josh tried, but he lacks the iron fist. He is, however, a gifted nagger, so after a few days, I relented.

I still don’t enjoy going to the doctor, but I love Taiwanese healthcare.

Upon entering Wanfang Hospital, located just a short drive down our mountain, I was greeted by the intrinsically healing aroma of fresh bread and coffee, wafting from the bakery and neighboring Starbucks next to the door. (My initial thought was, “Why can’t they have these installed in US hospitals? Then it wouldn’t be so obnoxious to visit sick friends.” Then my conscience fainted.) I walked up to the registration desk, in clear sight of the entrance, and was asked to fill out one sheet of paperwork. The process took five minutes, despite the fact that I didn’t have a Taiwan ID yet and thus, wasn’t registered for national health insurance.

The clinic was a quick escalator ride upstairs. The doctor saw me after 15 minutes, fluently examined me in English, and diagnosed me with the flu. But instead of offering lame advice I could find on WebMD, he prescribed three different types of medication: an antibiotic, pain killers, and cough medicine. When I reminded him that coughing wasn’t one of my symptoms, he responded, “I know. But you’ll start.” And he was right. I still sound like a chain smoker. Pre-emptive prescriptions—love it.

There was even more to love. The pharmacy was downstairs. Plus the prescriptions were ready by the time I arrived at the desk. Then I simply paid at the cashier’s desk for both the appointment and drugs. Total: $11.54 USD. And that’s without health insurance.

Let’s compare this to the experience a Taiwanese girl I met had with US healthcare. She was in the States with no health insurance, got sick, went to the hospital, was treated rudely by the staff due to her poor English (which I had no difficulty understanding), and was then sent a bill totaling $1,200 USD. She couldn’t afford this astronomical fee and had to leave the country.

If this be socialism, let socialism be served.

Huangdidian - The Emperor's Throne - 皇帝殿

Josh’s college roommate, Matt, came to Taipei for a visit a few weeks ago. To kick off his stay, we hiked Huangdidian, which means “The Emperor’s Throne.” Our trusty Lonely Planet guidebook recommended this hike for intense exercise and thrilling views. It did not disappoint.

To get there, we took the 666 bus (Foreshadowing, anyone?) from the Muzha MRT station to the village of Shihting, where we enjoyed a tasty pre-hike lunch of tofu, rice, and the standard boiled vegetables at a stand run by a Buddhist nun. We asked her where the trail started and, to our surprise, she flatly refused to tell us. She pointed at the sky, which had been cloudy for most of the day, and said it wasn’t a safe hike in the rain. A passer-by then volunteered the information, which produced an irate outburst from the nun. (Again, foreshadowing?)

The trail begins with about 45 minutes worth of stairs. . .

. . .and then moves into a series of winding footpaths, parts of which are steep enough you have to use the ropes provided for balance or even to just flat out pull yourself up.

The only part of the trail that had me worried was these steel ladders. At 30 or 40 meters long, some of them were a doozy.

Especially after it started raining. We were too occupied with maneuvering the slick metal and slippery rocks to get photographic proof, but turns out, that nun had good reason to treat us like dolts.

Then you have to walk the ridgeline. This section provided some protection on the sides, but on other stretches, it’s just you and the edge.

Huangdi temple, nestled in the mountains, is towards the end of the trail. The temple attendant had set out a nice spread of teas and chairs for hikers to enjoy.

The views were, per usual, misty and breathtaking.

We had a blast. Just be sure to check in with one of those nuns before approaching The Throne.